8 Years & Thousands of Tears

Eight years ago, today, I spent the last few hours I would ever have with my Dad. I was visiting to help take my Dad to his doctors appointments for a new treatment to help with his heart. It was nothing exciting. We didn’t do anything life changing- we went to his appointment & grocery shopping. I remember we bought some addition items to have for lunch. I picked out tortilla roll ups & bought my son a “Kid Cuisine” taquito meal that he always wanted. My Dad wasn’t feeling inspired by any of the options so he passed. After we got home we unloaded the groceries and started to watch a movie. He was feeling tired and wanted to take a nap and I told him not to worry, the movie would be there when he got up. Nothing out of the ordinary. About an hour and a half later storms had rolled in. The tornado siren sounded and we got ready to head downstairs to take “cover”. My Mom went in to wake up my Dad & came out very frightened and asked that I come check on him. She didn’t think he was breathing. My fear of tornadoes was forgotten as I checked on my Dad. He wasn’t breathing. His heart was still. I had my Mom call 911 and I started CPR. I couldn’t remember if I was doing it right. The paramedics arrived in the storm. While they worked on my father I took TMMOMD, who was 5, to the neighbors while we waited and dealt with many emotions. After 30 minutes they broke the news that they were unable to revive him. He was gone. Somewhere during that time I had called my husband who was out of town on a job. He drove through the storm to get to us. He said his goodbyes as we waited for the coroner to arrive. After all of the discussion was over and the coroner was ready to go, TMOMD helped carry my Dad out of the house. It took a long time before I could enter my parent’s room or even look that direction when I passed by. I couldn’t walk on the carpet where he was while the paramedics worked on him. I cried and cried. I cried even when there was nothing left in me. A day or so later my Mom needed some time to herself and I needed to get back home. TMMOMD was staying with my sister-in-law for a few days & TMOMD packed us up. I remember wailing for a moment and then going numb as TMOMD drove us home. We walked in the door and TMOMD plopped me down in a chair, covered me with a blanket and turned on the fireplace. I must have fallen asleep within seconds. It was rough for a while. I am an only child and was a total “Daddy’s Girl”. Eventually I would feel better. It is a really long process full of ups and downs. People say things get easier & time heals wounds. I believe that partially. Life goes on all around us and while the hurt lessens, it reappears from time to time. I think what would be closer to the truth would be to say that life becomes different, not easier. The landscape of your life changes and you adapt. It is as vivid today as it was 8 years ago. I have lived and learned a lot through it all. I have found my own weaknesses and have worked to overcome them. Life keeps moving forward as do we. Every year, though, on this day, I find that the tears flow like they did that day when the tornado siren sounded. I miss him.