Bible Study: Lord, Heal My Hurts- Week 1

OK, peeps. These are only my ramblings and thoughts. I’m sure they are not right on track all the time and know it’s a learning curve for me. Take what you can and ditch the rest. I’m a work in progress.

Lord, Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur

Week 1

At first, I didn’t think I was getting a whole lot out of this chapter or I was completely missing the boat. Pretty much I came away with one thought,”WOW! These guys are in trouble! God is so NOT happy!” As discussion started about what we read and the questions we answered I learned that I was not looking as deep as I needed to or at the right things when I began. This was not only about what the people of Judah were doing but how it was hurting them and those that loved them. Some of their actions were because of the hurts they were feeling and as the years progressed, these people used their wrong responses to hurt and anger as ritual and every day life. It became the norm when they should have focused on the Lord and their own healing and kept that relationship strong. About myself, I discovered that I have a lot of hurts inside. They are disguised as anger, but definitely a hurt. I have kept the wrong focus! Wow, even as I write this an email came in from a person who I’m angry with over their actions toward my family… A lot of work needed here!

When reading these chapters in Jeremiah it was amazing to see how the people of Judah were being obnoxiously bold in their disobedience to the Lord. It was even more troubling to do a comparison to 2013 and see the exact same issues and attitudes. yeah…not good. When I slowed down my reading and put thought into it instead of “reading to read” it was heartbreaking to read these words that Jeremiah said in chapter 4 verses 19-22 which begins, “Oh, my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh, the agony of my heart!” He was desperately saddened by what was happening. These people had grown so far away from the Lord that they had no idea that they were truly hurting themselves or hurting the Lord (and if they did realize it-wow…brazen much?). I can’t imagine my child being so rebellious and having to watch. It makes my heart really go out to parents of addicts or that have children in abusive relationships. It has to be unimaginable hurt!! There is a way out but they can’t get to it or refuse to.

Thinking through this it’s clear how one persons actions can snowball into hurt for many. Thankfully there is a cure for this pain! I am anxious to read on and see if I can let mine go and heal from the pain and give forgiveness for all the hurt I have been keeping inside…and I have a LOT!!

8 Years & Thousands of Tears

Eight years ago, today, I spent the last few hours I would ever have with my Dad. I was visiting to help take my Dad to his doctors appointments for a new treatment to help with his heart. It was nothing exciting. We didn’t do anything life changing- we went to his appointment & grocery shopping. I remember we bought some addition items to have for lunch. I picked out tortilla roll ups & bought my son a “Kid Cuisine” taquito meal that he always wanted. My Dad wasn’t feeling inspired by any of the options so he passed. After we got home we unloaded the groceries and started to watch a movie. He was feeling tired and wanted to take a nap and I told him not to worry, the movie would be there when he got up. Nothing out of the ordinary. About an hour and a half later storms had rolled in. The tornado siren sounded and we got ready to head downstairs to take “cover”. My Mom went in to wake up my Dad & came out very frightened and asked that I come check on him. She didn’t think he was breathing. My fear of tornadoes was forgotten as I checked on my Dad. He wasn’t breathing. His heart was still. I had my Mom call 911 and I started CPR. I couldn’t remember if I was doing it right. The paramedics arrived in the storm. While they worked on my father I took TMMOMD, who was 5, to the neighbors while we waited and dealt with many emotions. After 30 minutes they broke the news that they were unable to revive him. He was gone. Somewhere during that time I had called my husband who was out of town on a job. He drove through the storm to get to us. He said his goodbyes as we waited for the coroner to arrive. After all of the discussion was over and the coroner was ready to go, TMOMD helped carry my Dad out of the house. It took a long time before I could enter my parent’s room or even look that direction when I passed by. I couldn’t walk on the carpet where he was while the paramedics worked on him. I cried and cried. I cried even when there was nothing left in me. A day or so later my Mom needed some time to herself and I needed to get back home. TMMOMD was staying with my sister-in-law for a few days & TMOMD packed us up. I remember wailing for a moment and then going numb as TMOMD drove us home. We walked in the door and TMOMD plopped me down in a chair, covered me with a blanket and turned on the fireplace. I must have fallen asleep within seconds. It was rough for a while. I am an only child and was a total “Daddy’s Girl”. Eventually I would feel better. It is a really long process full of ups and downs. People say things get easier & time heals wounds. I believe that partially. Life goes on all around us and while the hurt lessens, it reappears from time to time. I think what would be closer to the truth would be to say that life becomes different, not easier. The landscape of your life changes and you adapt. It is as vivid today as it was 8 years ago. I have lived and learned a lot through it all. I have found my own weaknesses and have worked to overcome them. Life keeps moving forward as do we. Every year, though, on this day, I find that the tears flow like they did that day when the tornado siren sounded. I miss him.

One of Our Best Decisions- EVER!

I never gave much thought as to why God said we should rest and observe the Sabbath. I guess I should have had a clue that it was important since even the Lord took a day to rest! I’m a little slow some days…. Now, I’m not sure what the exact rules are with this… Some people say it has to be Sunday; some say Saturday and other say it doesn’t matter as long as you observe one. Until I completely am sure I willdo my own thing. One day over the weekend we want to spend it resting & enjoying life. It is my dream that we will also start going to a church and engaging in a Bible study together too. For now, I am completely loving the family time. Not only that, but the peace that we have found in it too! I have tried to take a little lesson from the Amish community as well by prepping meals the day before. I have found that, with a little work, it can be done. Even the dishwasher is emptied the evening before so all dishes get loaded and re ready to go. Maybe that is normal for you but we have been known to pile up dishes on the counter while the dishwasher sits empty. lol So far today, TMOMD enjoyed coaching some hockey, my MMOMD spent time with his best buddy, I worked on catching up on a Bible study and visited with friends a bit. Tonight, we have had a fun dinner, made some brownies, wandered our very yellow yard (rotten dandelions! lol), TMOMD & MMOMD tried their best to fly some remote-control helicopters and we are getting ready to watch a movie together & munch on some popcorn. I LOVE this & I can see they do too. It’s a time to rest, enjoy & reconnect. I love the sounds of love & laughter sprinkled through the day. I am blessed!

Lessons From A Board Room

As I am returning to serve on a Board of Directors after a two years in the group’s general population I have looked into the current administration and see much that troubles me. While I am FAR from perfect and have made many mistakes (and I’m sure, more to come) I am willing to step up, take responsibility, ask forgiveness and make it right! I would rather have a leader who is willing to be flawed and work towards perfection than one who always looks good, sounds better and hides behind a smiling facade.

Here are the Lessons I have learned from a Board Room:

• Remember that you have been elected to SERVE the Membership and NOT yourself.
• Know the laws that you are governing with. Bylaws are not suggestions.
• Never make snap decisions.
• Obtain the counsel of other who have gone before you WITHIN that organization, first, and that of qualified outsiders if necessary. Godly counsel is a must in my opinion.
• Remember that a your Membership will usually have rights within the organization. They may exercise them at anytime and they should.
• Be transparent always but be courteous of the privacy of others. It’s o.k. to admit to mistakes. Just do right!
• Respect the views of those who serve along with you and those you serve. Do not shut down discussions that are not harmful because you disagree with them.
• Do not preach it-be it! People want to see what you say shine through your actions and not just beautifully verbalized. Talk is cheap!
• You know what excuses are like… Passing the buck is unacceptable!
• If you refuse to learn history, you will be the one to repeat it!

As I move forward in this journey I pray that I can be the opposite of what I have recently witnessed. I want to be a blessing to the organization I am about to serve and not bring fourth strife and division. I want to be a shining example and bring honor and glory to my Lord. If this reaches your heart, please don’t hesitate to send prayers!

Sometimes the Pot Boils Over

Life has gotten crazy busy which is why I haven’t been here recently. Looking at our family schedule it doesn’t seem ridiculously full. If you look closer and through the eyes of the who is making the obligation you don’t see the obligation but an inner passion within those time slots. In truth, we have five different areas that our passions lie outside of our Faith, family & friendships. That makes eight things we have to balance out and typically we do! We remain flexible with each other and respect how passionate we both feel for these things. We take the time to help each other accomplish our goals. This time, however, we forgot something very important-rest! (OK, OK we also forgot to stop procrastinating too and that adds a whole other dimension of stress.) Sadly, our daily balancing act came crashing down the other day. Our passions took over our life and we forgot about the loved ones behind those. TMOMD and I became frustrated with each other, temperatures rose and the pot boiled over. When that happens all of our marriage skills go right out the window along with our sensibilities. The causes became more important than love and way more important than feelings. His commitments we more important than mine and mine than his. TMOMD and I have the ability to fight like two high school girls. We will emotionally scratch and claw at each other with gusto. Eventually one of use picks up the chess piece and calls checkmate (checkmate in our language means the piece, figuratively, gets picked up and thrown off the board. We aren’t ones to lay down.). It is at that point that everything ceases naturally-it has to!  That does not mean apologies come. That means that we stop, regroup, calm down for a couple days and then come the apologies. Until then we are healing. A mutual understanding has taken place and we are no longer angry and life goes on. Many times we are embarrassed at how juvenile we have acted. We know we are sorry but also know our wounds need to heal before that can be verbalized. This is not how marriage experts would say we should handle things but it is how we function and through this we know and love each other anyway. We remember that WE are passionate about each other. That our Faith needs to come to the forefront and that our family is more than the engine that keeps things running and orderly. Every so often that pot boils over and brings us back to reality and what is important.

On the Next Episode of The Waiting Game…

I have still been wrestling with  trying to find a solution to the problem I mentioned in my post, “The Waiting Game“, even thought I know I need to wait and see where the Lord direct me. I’m sooo NOT good at this and so my mind keeps circling around the topic trying to find any way to work this out. I have thought through the details and looked at things from every angle imaginable over and over and over and…well, you get it. Still, I got nuttin’! Not one little idea about when to say or do and not one thought about how to act. This is FRUSTRATING!!! *note in my head I’m stomping as I say that* lol I’m used to thinking and solving issues “on the fly”. This stuff is easy for me…except now.

After a conversation last night with TMOMD and one of my best friends and then hearing another version of the same thing today. I get it! It has been confirmed and reconfirmed to me. I knew I had something to write about today and was excited to share my findings when I got ANOTHER confirmation! Whew!! Think God knows how thick my head is? lol

Let me fill you in…

Once again, last night, I was discussing this faulty leadership issue with TMOMD & BFF.  TMOMD says that the reason that I am drawing a blank is that God is is not ready to give me the answer and that I need to WAIT. Soooo, I keep talking around it more (lol) and the BFF expands on the topic and says that I cannot see what He is doing or where He is moving and maybe I need to let Him do some work and then He will reveal to me what’s next. *sigh* OK, I can do that- sorta… One of them adds that I need to rest and be peaceful about it, hand it over to God and know he has the details taken care of. I think that covers that conversation.

Then I’m listening to that radio this morning and to a talk show that I enjoy called Stand Up for the Truth when one of the hosts says this (paraphrasing), “Something that God has been saying to me me is, ‘obey me, love me and stop trying to manipulate the results’! OK then, gotcha! lol

A while later, I receive an email from the “leadership” that I am ready to fight and within it I see that a key player in the situation is not going to ask for an position in the matter and it slightly opens the door for me. The door isn’t completely open because the “leadership” told me that I pretty much could not go forward on an issue and that if it did work out that I could, the whole leadership as a group would have the final say.

God is so good! Yesterday I didn’t have any answers and today I see HOPE within this big mess! I will remain optimistic, now, and will work hard to let go of this and see where God leads.

Next on the Agenda

Our life together is on the brink of FINALLY turning itself around. After years of financial struggles via crooked boss and mortgage companies and our own stupidity, emotional battles and business failures we can see the light! I’m scared to see the light though.  I am excited about the possibilities within the “starting over” and moving forward phase- but what if it’s not real? What if it is just the start of a new disaster? I know a lot of life is about overcoming and striving for different goals; I just don’t want to have to be backed into one of life’s corners to do it. I really just want to take a step back to observe and enjoy life. I want the scheduled craziness (a lot of it is self inflicted, mind you) to s l o w  d o w n. I want to one day sit around the back yard sipping lemonade and listening to the birds sing without the threat of ruin just around the corner. Is this the impossible dream? I wonder what’s next on the agenda for us…

The Waiting Game

Right now I am at a place in my life where I am about to fight “authority” on some issues. In a group I am a part of  leadership is ignoring bylaws and basic principles. I am a rules person, and knowing that this is going on is making me angry. I know that I am called to help bring this to light and hold those who are in charge accountable but what my complete part in this will be can get fuzzy. There are aspects that I know I need to be involved in and yet others that I am unsure of. The trick is I will soon be a part of this leadership and will have to face those I am holding accountable and work with them. How I balance this while being honest, having integrity and maintaining my stance is difficult. These people may feel that I have betrayed them in some way. While I know that this goes with the territory; I am not looking forward to tense meetings, discussions and snide remarks. I truly like a couple of these people and I believe they would have made the right decision if they had an honest leader to follow.

Through this something I have been really thinking about is how to follow God and to wait for His guidance in choosing what part or position to take. In doing this I have had to curb my personality that wants to jump right in and take a stand without thinking through every detail. I have also had to fight my personality that wants to run and hide at other moments. Worst of all I have had to come face to face with my lack of patience. I want everything done yesterday and when you are working with an issue with a team of people that can be trying. I’m not good at waiting.

On the flip side of things I am learning to “listen” to the Lord’s voice. I have learned to be content with that (for the most part). *wink* I am an old dog learning new tricks after all. lol I have admired a close friend for a long time who has always made it a point to listen and wait but, I never thought about bringing that into my life before… wow, it’s hard! I prefer to push my way through things and just take care of it right away. I’m now learning that sometimes, that’s not they way to go.

I don’t want to wait around while I learn so many lessons but I will  and I will have faith that God is sovereign and will take of the details until I need to know them.

Shamed & Shattered

Yeah, I’m fat. I’m not the kind of “fat” thin girls call them selves. When I say fat I mean I have lost a significant amount and have a LOT more to go. While I know it is what’s on the inside that matters I know that what’s on the outside will determine the health of the inside and my quality of life. Today I read a blog of a friend; a friend who I have known for years and admire a lot. I would consider one of my best friends even though we don’t speak often. She has it together, she is strong in mind & body, she is honest, we have shared a lot of deep conversations & laughs. Today I learned how she really feels about me and I am thoroughly destroyed on the inside. I have had tears involuntarily falling for a few hours. This blog was about Fat Shaming & how it is necessary to make people lose weight and become healthy. The following was from the article that the blog promoted:

“Lesson Number One

Men are repulsed by the sight and feel (and smell) of fat chicks. All further lessons flow from this basic premise.

Lesson Number Two

A man with options to do so will choose a slender babe over a fat chick, EVERY TIME. (Rare exceptions prove the rule. Or: Don’t count on miracles, fatties.)

Lesson Number Three

A man married to a woman who has bloated into Hogzilla proportions will become increasingly unhappy, frustrated and resentful, and will express his displeasure with his fat wife in both passive and active ways.”

While the very basic of some of these are valid and worth discussion, the vile, mean-spirited blather added on to it was horrific. I am not one that needs truth given to me all fluffy or wrapped in bows, but I don’t believe being a complete ass is the right direction either. Truth is truth but truth from a self righteous, obnoxious jerk is seldom listened to. When words like that come from a friend it can be destructive. For the majority of my life I have struggled with my weight. I was never toothpick thin, but I was actually on about 15-20 overweight. I dealt with ridicule from classmates and family. By the time I was in my early 20’s my weight increased significantly.  I tried to lose weight and I would. Then I would gain it back. I have been up and down in my fight for years! I suffered sever self loathing and self hatred. I disgusted myself. I was gross and unworthy to be alive. I wanted to die because I was so disgusting. I wondered how my husband could love me or want to touch me. I. Hated. Me. and I wanted to die. It has taken me a long time to realize that I was worthy of true love and that I just needed to make my body healthier. It was an awful to read a blog by someone I really love and care about and see how she feels that I am a disgusting Hogzilla who is destroying her marriage and that because I’m fat I am a disgrace and not worth love and that it is not possible for TMOMD to love me unconditionally. I have officially been shamed…and shattered.

UPDATE: My friend responded to my response. (lol Follow that?) She does not, in fact, feel that way about me and actually the opposite. She however, loves brutal honesty, so this thought process works for her. We both can agree on the root idea, here, but the process of how to get there is something  different for each of us. I still think the person that wrote the article/blog above is still a jerk. 🙂