Exhausted and I Love it!

This weekend has been jam packed and it’s not over yet! I’m just taking a well deserved break. All right, I’ll be honest, it’s early and I haven’t started yet. lol That’s just between us though, k. We are getting the house ready for a showing while TMOMD is playing in a hockey tournament and the MMOMD (mini-man of my dreams aka my son) has a sleep over. *I got sidetracked mid post. Fast forward 8 hours. lol*  Now, I’m relaxing on the couch, finally! It’s been busy and it’s been wonderful. I adore times when we can work hard & play hard at the same time; when my little family is willing to give each other 100%, where ever they are needed for the greater good-for the benefit of our family. It was amazing to see TMOMD & the MMOMD shoveling mulch & dirt and then taking a break to grab some fishing poles for a few minutes (my Dad used to do that so this warms my heart) then, back to work. Now after the showing (which went great, btw) they are back at the pond, poles in hand, trying to catch “the one that got away”.. I love watching them enjoy time together after the business of the weekend over and while I know they are both ready to drop. I know they are both giving me some much needed “down time” and I so love them for it. So, to celebrate all of our hard work I will spoil them with some strawberry shortcake for dessert & then popcorn and a movie. I can’t wait!

On the Next Episode of The Waiting Game…

I have still been wrestling with  trying to find a solution to the problem I mentioned in my post, “The Waiting Game“, even thought I know I need to wait and see where the Lord direct me. I’m sooo NOT good at this and so my mind keeps circling around the topic trying to find any way to work this out. I have thought through the details and looked at things from every angle imaginable over and over and over and…well, you get it. Still, I got nuttin’! Not one little idea about when to say or do and not one thought about how to act. This is FRUSTRATING!!! *note in my head I’m stomping as I say that* lol I’m used to thinking and solving issues “on the fly”. This stuff is easy for me…except now.

After a conversation last night with TMOMD and one of my best friends and then hearing another version of the same thing today. I get it! It has been confirmed and reconfirmed to me. I knew I had something to write about today and was excited to share my findings when I got ANOTHER confirmation! Whew!! Think God knows how thick my head is? lol

Let me fill you in…

Once again, last night, I was discussing this faulty leadership issue with TMOMD & BFF.  TMOMD says that the reason that I am drawing a blank is that God is is not ready to give me the answer and that I need to WAIT. Soooo, I keep talking around it more (lol) and the BFF expands on the topic and says that I cannot see what He is doing or where He is moving and maybe I need to let Him do some work and then He will reveal to me what’s next. *sigh* OK, I can do that- sorta… One of them adds that I need to rest and be peaceful about it, hand it over to God and know he has the details taken care of. I think that covers that conversation.

Then I’m listening to that radio this morning and to a talk show that I enjoy called Stand Up for the Truth when one of the hosts says this (paraphrasing), “Something that God has been saying to me me is, ‘obey me, love me and stop trying to manipulate the results’! OK then, gotcha! lol

A while later, I receive an email from the “leadership” that I am ready to fight and within it I see that a key player in the situation is not going to ask for an position in the matter and it slightly opens the door for me. The door isn’t completely open because the “leadership” told me that I pretty much could not go forward on an issue and that if it did work out that I could, the whole leadership as a group would have the final say.

God is so good! Yesterday I didn’t have any answers and today I see HOPE within this big mess! I will remain optimistic, now, and will work hard to let go of this and see where God leads.

Next on the Agenda

Our life together is on the brink of FINALLY turning itself around. After years of financial struggles via crooked boss and mortgage companies and our own stupidity, emotional battles and business failures we can see the light! I’m scared to see the light though.  I am excited about the possibilities within the “starting over” and moving forward phase- but what if it’s not real? What if it is just the start of a new disaster? I know a lot of life is about overcoming and striving for different goals; I just don’t want to have to be backed into one of life’s corners to do it. I really just want to take a step back to observe and enjoy life. I want the scheduled craziness (a lot of it is self inflicted, mind you) to s l o w  d o w n. I want to one day sit around the back yard sipping lemonade and listening to the birds sing without the threat of ruin just around the corner. Is this the impossible dream? I wonder what’s next on the agenda for us…

The Waiting Game

Right now I am at a place in my life where I am about to fight “authority” on some issues. In a group I am a part of  leadership is ignoring bylaws and basic principles. I am a rules person, and knowing that this is going on is making me angry. I know that I am called to help bring this to light and hold those who are in charge accountable but what my complete part in this will be can get fuzzy. There are aspects that I know I need to be involved in and yet others that I am unsure of. The trick is I will soon be a part of this leadership and will have to face those I am holding accountable and work with them. How I balance this while being honest, having integrity and maintaining my stance is difficult. These people may feel that I have betrayed them in some way. While I know that this goes with the territory; I am not looking forward to tense meetings, discussions and snide remarks. I truly like a couple of these people and I believe they would have made the right decision if they had an honest leader to follow.

Through this something I have been really thinking about is how to follow God and to wait for His guidance in choosing what part or position to take. In doing this I have had to curb my personality that wants to jump right in and take a stand without thinking through every detail. I have also had to fight my personality that wants to run and hide at other moments. Worst of all I have had to come face to face with my lack of patience. I want everything done yesterday and when you are working with an issue with a team of people that can be trying. I’m not good at waiting.

On the flip side of things I am learning to “listen” to the Lord’s voice. I have learned to be content with that (for the most part). *wink* I am an old dog learning new tricks after all. lol I have admired a close friend for a long time who has always made it a point to listen and wait but, I never thought about bringing that into my life before… wow, it’s hard! I prefer to push my way through things and just take care of it right away. I’m now learning that sometimes, that’s not they way to go.

I don’t want to wait around while I learn so many lessons but I will  and I will have faith that God is sovereign and will take of the details until I need to know them.

Shamed & Shattered

Yeah, I’m fat. I’m not the kind of “fat” thin girls call them selves. When I say fat I mean I have lost a significant amount and have a LOT more to go. While I know it is what’s on the inside that matters I know that what’s on the outside will determine the health of the inside and my quality of life. Today I read a blog of a friend; a friend who I have known for years and admire a lot. I would consider one of my best friends even though we don’t speak often. She has it together, she is strong in mind & body, she is honest, we have shared a lot of deep conversations & laughs. Today I learned how she really feels about me and I am thoroughly destroyed on the inside. I have had tears involuntarily falling for a few hours. This blog was about Fat Shaming & how it is necessary to make people lose weight and become healthy. The following was from the article that the blog promoted:

“Lesson Number One

Men are repulsed by the sight and feel (and smell) of fat chicks. All further lessons flow from this basic premise.

Lesson Number Two

A man with options to do so will choose a slender babe over a fat chick, EVERY TIME. (Rare exceptions prove the rule. Or: Don’t count on miracles, fatties.)

Lesson Number Three

A man married to a woman who has bloated into Hogzilla proportions will become increasingly unhappy, frustrated and resentful, and will express his displeasure with his fat wife in both passive and active ways.”

While the very basic of some of these are valid and worth discussion, the vile, mean-spirited blather added on to it was horrific. I am not one that needs truth given to me all fluffy or wrapped in bows, but I don’t believe being a complete ass is the right direction either. Truth is truth but truth from a self righteous, obnoxious jerk is seldom listened to. When words like that come from a friend it can be destructive. For the majority of my life I have struggled with my weight. I was never toothpick thin, but I was actually on about 15-20 overweight. I dealt with ridicule from classmates and family. By the time I was in my early 20’s my weight increased significantly.  I tried to lose weight and I would. Then I would gain it back. I have been up and down in my fight for years! I suffered sever self loathing and self hatred. I disgusted myself. I was gross and unworthy to be alive. I wanted to die because I was so disgusting. I wondered how my husband could love me or want to touch me. I. Hated. Me. and I wanted to die. It has taken me a long time to realize that I was worthy of true love and that I just needed to make my body healthier. It was an awful to read a blog by someone I really love and care about and see how she feels that I am a disgusting Hogzilla who is destroying her marriage and that because I’m fat I am a disgrace and not worth love and that it is not possible for TMOMD to love me unconditionally. I have officially been shamed…and shattered.

UPDATE: My friend responded to my response. (lol Follow that?) She does not, in fact, feel that way about me and actually the opposite. She however, loves brutal honesty, so this thought process works for her. We both can agree on the root idea, here, but the process of how to get there is something  different for each of us. I still think the person that wrote the article/blog above is still a jerk. 🙂

Back Again.

I’m old. OK, I’m not really old but there are days when my body disagrees! I need to really work on getting into better shape. Add it to my ever growing list. So…. Yesterday I was working at a very part time job and managed to pull muscles in my back. How? I did it putting water in a cooler to chill. A stand up commercial cooler. I barely had to bend over! I was sore last night and at some points in pain.This has been happening at a frequency that I just don’t appreciate!  TMOMD doesn’t like when I am sick or in pain so resorts to his fail safe attitude when he can’t “fix” things for me: crabby. Moving back to the present… Today I missed out on my perfect day, as you know from my previous post, so I was going to make the best of things and get the house in ship shape condition. Or, not. Just as I started moving and grooving along the pain hits me. Awesome. I managed to make it 100 x worse than it was. What was I doing? It’s noon & I’m walking up the stairs to take TMOMD some brunch. I need to make up for last night and food does the trick! So, plate in hand, I’m on the stairs and I can’t move. Again, awesome. I make it up the stairs and a groggily TMOMD asks me what wrong and proceeds to give me instruction on how to fix it.  I knew I kept him around for a reason! *wink*I’m very thankful that he is happily or at least accepted that today won’t be his dream day either and we can work at a relaxed pace and enjoying our “old age” together. Maybe I can get a massage out of this…

Ahh, the start of another perfect day… out the window!

It’s Sunday! Our day to enjoy life and each other! I had been excited and waiting for this all week long. Last week TMOMD and I were discussing schedules and possible events, etc coming up and I excitedly telling him my latest idea of how our life should be-on Sunday.

Picture this: Breakfast, lunch and dinner are prepped and just need to be put in the crock pot, oven or grill. The house is clean and the laundry room looks neglected because it’s void of clothes & towels for once. We wake up because we are rested (at 7am) and get ready to start the day. Breakfast is delicious (I didn’t drop any on myself) and we are off to church. Once our hearts are filled from worship & fellowship we head home to leisurely eat some lunch and enjoy time as a family or with friends. Life is good, dinner is great and we are ready to start another week!

Then came a discussion last night.  TMOMD was adamant that we need to take tomorrow (Sunday) and really “hit it” we need to “be productive” because we have too much to do. I didn’t say a word and tried not to show my disappointment because he is right. We do need to get a lot done. However, we really do need a day that we can enjoy the life we are striving so hard to have! I’m sure not saying anything did aid in my attitude last night and didn’t curb my bickering attitude and he could feel tension and wasn’t sure why.

Now this morning I find my self not wanting to get out of bed. The crabbiness from last night is still fresh in my mind and I don’t want to deal with what might still be lingering between us. I pulled myself out of bed when my back started to hurt and I didn’t wake TMOMD. He could sleep for days on end if I don’t wake him. I am looking around the house as I type this and I see socks on the floor, glasses not taken to the kitchen, plates not cleared, pizza that never found the fridge and a new colony of dust bunnies that don’t look friendly. At least once a week the house gets away from me and I have to gather myself and get back on task. Sometimes it happens because we are so busy and, lets face it…over committed. Sometimes it happens out of laziness. This was a combo pack. Lazy & over committed. Sigh…

Here is my plan. I’ll make my way quickly through the house and pick up, dust, do some dishes, gather all of the laundry and get lunch and dinner ready. OK, I’ll get the meals planned at least. I hope. Then maybe when TMOMD wakes, he will see the beautifully cleaned house and I can rescue my perfect Sunday from the clutches of productivity! Maybe he will forget all about the garage & yard work…

Maybe I should just climb back into bed and snuggle with TMOMD for a little while longer.

See what I mean?

Here I am. It’s 2:15 am and I’m starting a blog. I should be in bed with TMOMD (the man of my dreams) but I’m not because I’m still trying to figure this blog stuff out. I say “still” as if it’s been hours when in fact it has only been minutes. I’m in avoidance mode. TMOMD and I have traded in Arcadia for a bickering and I’m not sure why. Ever have that happen? I guess this is the perfect post to start off with since I have named this pup The Imperfect Wife & Mom! This is the first of many examples of my every day life where I trade in my great intentions and expectations for being me, plain ole imperfect me. I hope you stick around and maybe we can convince each other that we are just fine and throw that dream of perfection out the window or at least toss it on the corner with the dust bunnies!